Like a cold you cannot catch an eating disorder there is also no cure but instead must be allowed to run its course for better and for worse, it is said that you must get worse before you can get better and this is a very true statement.

How did mine begin? Its too long of a story to tell and to be honest I am at a comfort zone that I can tell the pieces that matter that pertain to helping me to find some sort of an answer of what makes what I am, have become and what I can grow to be if I strive to do so and if I have the will to believe so in becoming the person I can be if I wish.

Beginnings are not without endings in anyway to start off with for a very long time I thought it was a desire to be thin to have control, to have something tangible that I could look at and say that I did and completed.

But all I truly did complete was nothing in the end except to bring to me more pain than I ever thought I could bring upon a person. To put it more aptly it would have been much more simpler to have put a gun to my head and just gotten it over with much quicker and with ironically with much less pain. For too many years I have slowly killed myself to me it was a game for a very long time, how long I could go without eating, the high of my heart beating so fast and my head spinning with it and the powerlessness that came along with it. Of never being happy with my body ever no matter what I fit into there was always something wrong no matter how minute it was there staring back at me my face in the mirror.

In the beginning it was hard to not eat but at the end it was harder TO eat, the idea still boggles me that I must put food into my mouth, that I must eat to live for I cannot live without it and I don’t want to die at least not consciously. For a long time I ran from everything and everyone for I felt I did not deserve anything anything at all in fact, not my precious husband who loves me, not the true friends I have today, not even the dysfunctional love of my family as well. In starting to recover you must come to terms with things you cannot change but also the acceptance that there are not always going to be answers to seek the truth you think you need to know that you must know.

I am never going to know why my eating disorder developed, hibernated and then returned in any rational sense of order and let me tell you something that is NOT EASY to accept in fact I have not fully accepted it yet in total, what I have learned is that a part of it a big part of it is to go on, move forward, change what you can and leave behind the rest of it if you don’t do this you will never get anywhere in this or in any other thing in life.

Its not fun, I’ve had to learn to re-feed, to learn to eat, to taste food really taste it and most of all to feel hunger, I still feel no hunger most of the time and eating in a way is becoming automatic but I want to beat this, I want to live, I want life and to be happy and why because I deserve to, I cannot be held responsible for things I had no control of it is not my fault my stepfather treated me like shit, that I grew up poor and that people can be real assholes at times. In taking all that upon my shoulders I almost destroyed myself mind, body and soul, parts of my body will never be the same, my thought patterns will take a long time to readjust that I don’t need diuretics to pee, that I don’t need laxatives to shit and most of all I can eat and not throw it back up again or exercise until I puke or can’t walk straight anymore.

. The insanity can and will kill you and my biggest wish is that one day it will end this insanity that is still a part of my life, triggers are everywhere these days and sometimes I wish I was dead seriously utterly dead because to face all of this is hard very very hard, its easy to stay stagnant it is even easier to not do anything and continue to be the way I have been but will not be again. I will go on and on and live my life and to those who don’t like it well you don’t have to it is my life my decision and I will get well no matter what the cost. I will not unlearn what I have learned and I will not allow myself to die. For me this is still a beginning without an end…